What a topsy-turvy life!  Personally, I'm tired of all this dreary winter, tired of transportation challenges, tired of missing yet another appointment for Nich (which throws me out of the program),  tired of illness, tired of waiting - just tired.  A person can know all the platitudes, know principle, have faith, be positive (I have no known negative thoughts, unless 'tired' is negative) - yet feel totally inept, out of control, and brain weary.  Some days I am surprised I know my own name.  I wonder, is feeling overwhelmed negative?[...]

     Hooray!  Kane visits Mom today!  Kane plays Uno with Mom.  What a brilliant idea!
     Caren said that it was probably the longest Uno game in history - two hours.  She kept falling asleep.
     Sometimes nurses can be so inept.  Caren had NO pain meds from 8 pm Saturday until nearly 8 am Sunday.  She was nauseous and the pain was raging out of control.  If I knew the nurse's name, I would post it.  Shame on you, nursie!  No gold star for you today.
     Oops, I digress.  The fact that Caren had difficulty staying awake reminded me of the atrocity of the night before.  Thank God most of the people helping Caren have been loving and compassionate; professional, and knowledgeable![...]

     I had a date with Caren today.  I promised to be with her early for Saturday's shower so she would be all fresh to spend time with family and friends.  I walked in at 8 am.
     Shower time was fun and relaxing.  Before your naughty minds can razz Caren - you must know that she "oh so innocently" held the shower head, and deliberately sprayed me!  That's my girl!  It reminded me of "water fights" we enjoyed as a family.  I must have looked totally surprised, and we both burst out laughing so hard that Caren's ribs hurt!  Our allotted time was up, so we wrapped Caren in a sheet as we scuttled across the hall.  While getting clothes out of the suitcase, I teased her by asking what shirt was her choice, the one in the left hand or the one in the right.  We laughed again at the way it sounded when she was a little girl and I gave her choices.  It was a much more lighthearted day.
     After lunch together, I went home to trade places with Rick and Mary.
     Rick informed me that Rachel would be by in 2 hours to pick up her car.  When Jordan came in to retrieve the keys, I shared with him how immensely grateful we were and what a gift of love they shared with us by loaning us a vehicle.
     What a challenge now faces us as we keep kids in school, Rick to work, and Nana to take care of Caren.  "And all is swell!"
     Mary had a homecoming dance Saturday evening, so she was able to get dressed for the dance with Dad AND Mom available.  Mary had a stunning new dress and Mom got to see it. Mom also got to see how gorgeous Mary was for her dance. What a gift of time and love Mary shared with her Mom today.
     Mary also found time to polish Caren's fingernails and toenails.  They look lovely!  Mel came a little early to p/u Mary and was able to visit with Caren.
     Until you are stuck in a hospital bed, with each day droning on, you'll never know how much visits can mean to a bed fast person and how it can uplift them.  Thank you, Mel!
     I believe love is healing, and I believe laughter is healing!
     Jehovah-'Ori [...]

          WEDNESDAY, 02/05:   We had yet another snow day.  It was a day I couldn't come in to see Caren.  She walked 66 feet today.  Caren was sad because Speech Therapy is becoming more and more difficult as she struggles with the acute concussion which still is unresolved.  Stress exacerbates the symptoms of an acute concussion, and she becomes more forgetful, and more stressed . . . and so goes the cycle of Caren's healing journey.  "A brain injury can change the way people feel or express emotions.   . . .  This is called emotional lability.  . . .
In some cases the brain injury can cause sudden episodes of crying or laughing. These emotional expressions or outbursts may not have any relationship to the way the persons feels (in other words, they may cry without feeling sad or laugh without feeling happy). In some cases the emotional expression may not match the situation (such as laughing at a sad story). Usually the person cannot control these expressions of emotion. Anxiety is a feeling of fear or nervousness that is out of proportion to the situation. People with brain injury may feel anxious without exactly knowing why. Or they may worry and become anxious about making too many mistakes, or “failing” at a task, or if they feel they are being criticized. Many situations can be harder to handle after brain injury and cause anxiety, such as being in crowds, being rushed, or adjusting to sudden changes in plan. Some people may have sudden onset of anxiety that can be overwhelming (“panic attacks”).[...]

     The love of children, their sincerity, their authenticity - is soul touching and healing.
     After the steamroller of reality ran over us Tuesday regarding Caren's amnesia, I had returned to the rehab to p/u Benjamin.
     I had to leave to p/u Austin from grandma's and Nich from bowling. I had asked Benjamin to do me a favor, and take care of Mom while I was gone.
     Caren said Benjamin had been the most attentive ever, loving and gentle.  Even when the nurse couldn't figure out how to operate Caren's recliner, Benjamin politely fixed the situation and wheeled his Mom back to her room, helping to get her settled. He helped her fix her supper tray, and was an excellent go-fer.  I think our Benjamin is growing up, :-)
     As I was leaving the rehab facility for the evening, the young lady at the receptionist desk asked me if "that young man" was with me, pointing to Benjamin as he exited to go to the car.  I explained that he was my grandson.  She was delighted to tell me how polite he'd been, speaking to her and conversing with her.  She also stated that none of the young people his age had ever spoken to her, or acknowledged that she was at the desk.  I really appreciated her kind words and Benjamin's mature attitude.
     Before I left, I stopped to read the cards for Caren Benjamin's friends had made in class.
Each child, each card was a loving work of art and sentiment.  Just reading their notes made me cry, the notes were so genuine.  Each had a healing word, a word of encouragement for Caren.  Some expressed prayers.  Some sent her the gift of laughter by saying these cards would cheer her up, and help her heal.  I was deeply moved to tears, and immensely encouraged and blessed.  What mature posts each person shared.  Perhaps I underestimated fifth graders.  Oh, Benjamin is a fifth grader!  *chuckles*
     Again, let me express my abundant gratitude to Benjamin's fifth grade class for their gift of time and love. Thank you, Benjamin for delivering these treasures to Mom.
     Young people, thank you, also, for reminding me of unconditional love!
     God bless these children who are such precious teachers![...]

     Today was the day I met with Marie to file taxes.  What a wonderful woman, a new grandma, and a trusted prayer partner.  Thank you, Marie.
     After taking care of this yearly chore, I was up to see Caren by 11-ish, with clean laundry, a Valentine wreath for her bulletin board, and replacement toiletries.
     Caren was sitting on the edge of her bed, waiting.  I was so happy to see her!  Just one day can seem like such a long time.
     Maybe I am OCD, or maybe I'm just organized and tidy, but after only one day her room (or small cubicle, *chuckles*)  was a total mess.  Food product and med products were mixed together on the counter; my glorious placement of items in little trays was all moved around (truth in jest); prayer shawl was on the floor; and various other annoying little messes.  To me, chaos breeds confusion.  I do know by experience that chaos in the form of clutter and messes also makes Caren anxious.  Well, there is work to be done today, :-)
      The first project to to help Caren to the restroom, where we freshened things up, and helped her put on a clean outfit.  She is looking amazing!  Next, Paula (one of our wonderfully caring and compassionate aides) helped me to position Caren in the recliner.  Amber, Caren's nurse extraordinaire, brought Caren her meds.  
      By the time Caren was all settled in, it was lunchtime, then Caren and I were able to organize some of her paperwork.  Sue reigns over the front desk and has been at the facility nearly twenty years, so I went to her for a folder.  I really liked her idea of using a large envelope to contain frisky papers that would otherwise escape a manila folder.  Thank you, Sue!
     Sitting in the recliner, in a busy hall, near the nurses' station was a bit too noisy and congested.  It was time to take Caren for a ride.  I had a treat in mind for her - a very quiet place one of the PT gals had shown me.  Caren and I traveled to the far end of long-term care to a small living room setting near an aquarium.   The stillness was palpable.  Caren loved it!  One of the nurses who knew Caren supplied her with a deluxe version of a hospital tray table.  I set out her computer, phone, and paperwork.  We were ready to work.
     Then, sad reality steamrolled us.  Caren was making numerous calls to figure out her FMLA.  She'd been applying for short-term disability.   While she was doing that, I left briefly to p/u Benjamin.  I was back in approximately forty-five minutes to Caren in tears.  What had happened:  Apparently, two weeks ago Caren had talked with a woman about FMLA, and the woman was attempting to relay old information to Caren.  Also, Caren's boss, Sue, had texted Caren some pertinent phone numbers.  Caren had absolutely no memory of either incident, and could not recall either one.  She was scared and worried about her brain, and the severity and duration of her brain injury/acute concussion.  It makes me cry now, for I had no easy answers.  Gotta' love the internet.  I had been researching acute consussions but did not realize the severity or continued presence of amnesia.  I knew she didn't remember the crash, but did not realize how that amnesia would overlap and impact her life.
     When Benjamin and I stepped away from Caren, to go back to her room for something she needed, we talked about Mom's upset.  God bless Benjamin's heart!  He said, "Nana, at least she remember us, she remembers her family.  That is most important."  Buddy, yes it is!  When we returned to Caren, I shared that with her, which made her feel better.  Just writing about this particular incident makes me cry.
     Here's what I discovered on Medscape:  One definition of concussion is a condition in which there is a traumatically induced alteration in mental status, with or without an associated loss of consciousness (LOC).^[1] A broader definition is a traumatically induced physiologic disruption in brain function that is manifested by LOC, memory loss, alteration of mental state or personality, or focal neurologic deficits.  Also, Post-traumatic amnesia (PTA) is a state of confusion that occurs immediately following a traumatic brain injury (TBI) in which the injured person is disoriented and unable to remember events that occur after the injury.  Longer periods of amnesia or loss of consciousness immediately after the injury may indicate longer recovery times from residual symptoms from concussion. (Wikipedia)
     These are things doctors and staff do not thoroughly explain.  Speech Therapy and others keep saying, "This is normal."   Gosh darn it!  It is not normal if compared to a person's 'former life' - as in 'before accident'!   Maybe a less frustrating explanation would be, ". . . typical for a traumatic brain injury."
     Nonetheless, all ya'll - all our prayer partners - let's particularly affirm and pray together, sending love and light specifically to this condition of the concussion called amnesia.  God does indeed answer the prayers of his righteous (right-use-of) - and we are all the righteous heirs of the One who holds the Universe.   Thank you!
     Jehovah-Nissi                       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxgw6pbW59E [...]

 Caren had a goal in mind today.  She was going to push herself to achieve.  She wants to be home.
     Sadly, I missed witnessing these accomplishments.  Although I was in touch with her by phone, there was just so much business, and so many errands - I was not with Caren today.
Monday morning I left at 11 am to p/u Austin.  I didn't walk in the door with the kids until 6:03 that evening.  Then I made supper.  Tonight was an early-to-bed night for all the boys.
     I AM grateful that the mortgage is paid; the auto insurance is moving smoothly, albeit slowly, :-); and I have an appointment with my tax lady tomorrow.  To accomplish all this - my bank account is now way overdrawn, *sighs*   Nonetheless, *cheerily*, we are making progress and our home is secure. 
     One of the many things I admire about Caren is her resilience of spirit.  My daughter is an achiever, an overcomer, she makes progress.  Any time I spoke to her today, she was either with PT (physical therapy), speech therapy, or listening to the CD's provided to her by RT (Recreational Therapy).  Not having any physical reserves, all this activity wears her out totally.  How she works through the pain continues to be a miracle to me.
     Jehovah-'Immeku[...]

Today was a day to regroup my thoughts, and recharge my batteries. My heart overflows with gratitude for the folks at Unity of Greater Grand Rapids, Ada. We were blessed this morning with a lesson facilitated by Jeanne Keller. It was just what the Great Physician ordered - - trusting the process. It is really true that when you are busy looking all around, it's challenging to raise your sights. As a caregiver, it was important for me to re-center, for Caren and for the whole family. I AM open and receptive to "hear with the ear behind the ear, and listen with the heart behind the heart." Dealing with a concussion, Caren does a lot of out loud self-talk to help her process. Now, Caren said I must share a 'funny' with all ya'll. As most of you know, narcotics can really 'stop you up.' Broken ribs are a real deterrent to successful elimination. This morning Caren was in the restroom doing her self-talk, "Release and let go." She was totally unaware of the nurse entering the room. All of a sudden the loudest 'thunderclap' echoed through the bathroom. Ah! Sweet success,*Cstill chuckling* Caren got a new roomy today. Also, Caren has been having the worst trouble ever with her ribs. Nothing helped. Pain meds weren't working. Repositioning didn't help. An icepack did nothing to alleviate the discomfort. Simone, Nicole and I went to assist Caren to the shower room for a freshening up and a change of clothes. You know, it's amazing how much the release of gas helped those ribs not to hurt! Release and let go! There's a lesson there for me, for all of us! • Jehovah-'Ez-Lami

     A slight mix-up in scheduling.  Note to self:  Saturdays be at the facility to shower Caren by 8 am so Rick can take care of the boys!
     So, today was shower day.  That is not an exciting update to most.  To Caren, it is huge.  The whole process takes well over an hour.  It starts from Caren's getting up, a huge endeavor; preparing toiletries/towels/washcloths, etc.; setting up the shower chair with wedge pillow, bagging a bed pillow in plastic, and positioning it to support Caren's R arm; showering process; drying process; . . . till finally we are assisting Caren with dressing, and returning to her room.   This process, this whole process of bathing/dressing is not what bothers me.  I can be objective about this natural state of affairs.
     What bothers me most, as caregiver, is the immense amount of mental anguish Caren endures being cared for, losing the dignity of independence, feeling mortified and frustrated with her weakness - and her sadness over the whole affair. She is so very grateful for the smallest nicety.   And the pain.  I have the greatest challenge with the constant, carnivorous pain which eats at her every moment.  Today, it was almost too much, and I burst into tears, which caused Caren further anxiety.
     Some days I think if I ever start really crying, that I'll never stop.  How catastrophic it has been - this whole head-on collision.  What a roller-coaster ride.
     People tell me, "Remember self-care."   What does that really mean?  How does one even find 20 minutes alone.  How does one justify 'getting away' when Caren can not get away from her anguish and pain?
     I just guess, on this roller-coaster ride, that today was a downhill fall.  
     Caren definitely is not alone on this healing journey.  I believe we are all on the same journey, in different ways.
     I never did like roller-coaster rides, LOL[...]

     Caren said she woke up with a goal in mind.  She would test her limits, she would push herself to achieve.  
     When PT came in, even though she hadn't eaten breakfast, Caren was wheeled in a wheelchair to the gym.  Without the R shoulder arm support, she walked 65 steps.  We barely made it to a chair to sit and take a breath - for 15 minutes.  Drawback: no suctioning machine at the gym.  PT asked Caren if she was done for the morning.  
     Caren's response, "No, I'm not done.  I have a goal.  Let's walk back."
     After another 60 steps, Caren was ready to be wheeled back to her room.
     Until Speech Therapy came.  Caren insisted on doing her Speech Therapy.
     By the time everything was done it was lunchtime, and Caren was ready for bed.  She was 'plum tuckered out.'  Caren was sleeping by the time I left.
     I took Austin in to visit Mom briefly, but she was still so tired, she slept.
     Then, THEN PT came back again!  Apparently it was time for Caren to 'socialize.'  She was to join a group making tostadas. Now, anyone knowing our family and Rick's heritage has gotta laugh at this.  Caren and I laughed as she explained that those folks really had no idea how to make tostadas.  Besides, she was still too tired to deal with all the noise of a group of people and noise.  Noise and confusion still cause her a lot of anxiety.
     But, today she had a goal.  She believed she could, so she did.
     Yay, Caren!
          Jehovah-Chatsahi [...]