Yesterday we had a man at our house named "Mike". Mike installed railings for us on both sides of the stairs that go upstairs to our second floor - what a Godsend. He also went and purchased and installed the handles in the upstairs and downstairs shower. He is fixing our screen door Monday.... and helping out with so much. We are trying to find ways to reimburse him in ways he has requested and deserves. My mom is paying him - which in and of itself has been a miracle. We have a lot more that needs done. It bothers me I am not able to go back to work to help pay to get more things fixed that we are in desparate need of have completed....but my trust and hope and belief is that we will be able to reimburse those who have helped us in the past and most recently....and hire for the work that still needs done.

This man.......He is both generous in spirit and an excellent construction worker so if anyone needs something done I would gladly refer him, as he has a family to support as well and could also use the money. His integrity has been amazing and I just want to share what an angel he is. His bids are fair. He is a true gift to the world and I am eternally grateful. Did I mention what a gifted Carpenter he is?

I am hoping we will find a way to be creative enough with our funding to have other important things done around the house and bless this many and others with payment for their help. 

I need to get better to get back to work so I can pay a lot of these things forward. There's a lot I need to do and I continue my new life's journey, but first I must get stronger.

I walked up those stairs last night with just a spotter. I felt so brave because even with my crushing headache and dizziness - I was very brave!!!!

I have to walk 375 steps or more a day to keep from getting the blood thinner shot which prevents clots from me being in a hospital bed a lot of the time. So the day before yesterday, I did 450, and yesterday 400. This is no small attempt and is exhausting to me as I walk in circles of our whole first floor. I was proud of the rails that helped me get upstairs to sit in the wheelchair. 

The pain was bit more to deal with as I tried to keep up on my therapy recommendations and exerted myself a LOT. I even got a shower and was able to get in with my good hand thanks to Mikes hard work - I stood up and held on to both rails in the shower. The first time I have been able to stand in the shower since my wreck. I still needed help bathing, but at least I could stand.....but I think almost all my showers need to be in the downstairs bathroom that has the shower chair, because I am not quite ready for this part of standing .. Maybe upstairs on my stronger better days and downstairs until I get better and stronger - either way - I am still home. 

That means more than anything.[...]

FROM CAREN:

NEVER GIVE UP HOPE....Today is the first day of Spring and the National Day of Happiness. I am laying in a hospital bed looking at all the things and feeling all the things around me. I am Hope.....TODAY IS THAT NEWS....NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!!!!

I want to share one of the most important things in my entire life with all of you today.....please watch this -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88fh-gFstWg[...]

     Caren is home!   

     I have a thought to share, and it totally erased from the board.  This is to be continued, have errands to run. [...]

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops… at all.”  -Emily Dickinson[...]

  FROM CAREN:  (Comment to Sue)   .  .  .  . I see my children's faces and I wonder how I survive this.....and I know it's for the love of each and every one of them. because I have more work to do with them. I have a life with a man that I love with such intensity, and he needs me too.. It's because I love so much that there is hardly time to grieve. Grieve we must though, grieve we must. Doesn't this give us the strength to release it and move on - or we just move on despite of it all?
6:54 pm[...]

I fear every night will be my last and that somehow I won't wake up - somehow my second chance was a mistake. I don't fear death. I fear losing the only battle I never new I was going to have to fight and escaped its loss. I fight against the fear and tell myself that it is ego talking and that weak part of me that I never let anyone see because that part of me isn't worth giving attention to....that part that tries to pull me into the depths of such deep sadness and lack of hope that now my fear is that the concussion might win and leave me in a puzzle where I get to see and feel all the pieces, but don't get to put things back together. I cry constantly, I feel week in body and spirit, Some days are q fight just to exist.

Here's the deal. I choose life. I always have!! There is too much I have earned and created to give up on. I am damn near fighting for it as each moment passes - and I feel so alone. I know I am not and my family and this blog helps a lot, but sometimes the strength to keep going seems invisible when you look around for it .I focus every day on the potential and gloriousness of what was..... and what can be after I have overcome all the fears. I struggle with this...the overcoming part, where I didn't before. I feel I have always had the strength to accomplish things, to push the boundaries and succeed and get anything I put my efforts to. I have always felt successful.....until now. Now....I feel....invisible.

I won't give up. I am just trying to get rid of the physical pain in the body and find where I went in the midst of it all. I know I am here....and yet it seems like I'm missing,

Thank you for your belief in me and your encouraging words. Some days, it seems, they are all that get me through.

Happy St. Patrick's Day - hail to the Irish whose fighting spirit lives on a bit in all of us.[...]

     Caren, sorry you don't feel well today.

     Remember, you are stronger than you think.  You are not alone.  Sending you love and hugs![...]

     Caren, remember:  People who care don't matter, and people who matter don't care. 

     You are amazing, and I am in awe of all that you accomplish - through the fear and through the pain.[...]