OMG my husband is a genius and why the police didn't catch this or notice this or even ask us about it, I don't know. So get this, They (my mom and brother) took tons of pictures of the van and my husband noticed something the officers totally seemed to have missed. The police report says it was a head on crash and I must have crossed center line. Now if you remember the police officer said at first when he came to the hospital that neither party would be ticketed...then he came back 6 days later and said 2 "witnesses" came forward and said they saw me cross center line - so I got a ticket for that which we are going to fight....and here's why I am fighting it even though my brain won't let me remember....if I was guilty I would totally own it... I would feel like total shit and feel devastated but stilll be honest about it.... but 1st of all I have had emergency driving training when I worked on the Ambulance as an EMT and Rescue Technician years ago. You don't forget those kinds of driving techniques, they kind of become second nature....so I couldn't figure out how this head on happened in the first place and there was damage to the BACK of my mom's van. 

Now, I rarely drove my mom's van - but what I know about it is there was no body damage to her van prior to the wreck and she likes to keep it cleaned and maintenanced.

MY HUSBAND noticed a different color PAINT color on the back bumper and that the bumper was now a damaged bumper with a diifferent color than my moms van or the other head on vehicle involved.............like totally different color than listed on the police report. I totally believe now his theory. The roads were dry according to the police report and they have me heading the wrong way than when I started (which I don't understand still) and knew I was headed. Rick thinks because of the different paint color transfer - that someone hit me from behind and that I instinctively pressed hard on the brake (his opinion for why my pelvis had a hairline fracture and why the brake pedal was bent and why my right foot still hurts......and that they fled the scene afterwards......but that is what shot me over into the other lane or spinned me around to face the wrong direction - or something like that...

and doesn't it seem odd that these "witnesses" reappeared days later and whoever hit me even if not these "witnesses"...they fled the scene - how could someone do that....their statement is they saw me ejected and got scared and left or something like that..and they left with a little boy standing in the middle of the road???? or in the van itself???...I still can't remember shit.... and thiss angers me....

As an Emergency Medical Technician - which I did for like 5-6 years - my worst fears were to be in an accident and have to have my clothes cut off of me and be laying in an ER bed naked and cold...but especially naked... or in an ambulance with any injuries at all being taken care of by someone I know. Now my worst fear is that I will never remember what happened and my sweet little boy will never forget. He STILL talks about it 4 months later.

This would explain though why my 5 year old said it felt like we "hit a wall and then why did the lady crashed inito the front of Nana's van"

I cry so much....I either feel punchdruink or pathetically weeping.....I heard from my primary care physician that this was all part of a Traumatic Braiin Injury (TBI) - I don't know why those words bother me so much because I am so much more......though reality keeps kicking me in the head and reminding me that I am not better yet. She says we are probably looking at a 2 year plan - I am not sure what all this entails but I do know I want to be better much faster than that.

The good news is that I am getting to go get testing and help from some specialists in this field so I am excited.

However, now I need a traffic attorney. The traffic attorney I talked with today wants $750.00 to cover the whole traffic matter. I don't know what I am going to do. I will be calling around tomorrow to see if I can find a better deal or someone who will work with us on that part of it.......cux yeah......that may as well be a million. 

My Dr. said keep my stress down and that I shouldn't be overstimulating my brain. I am thinking she is sooooooo right.....because it makes me feel worse....but I can't ignore this either and there is just so much going on all at once it is truly overwhelming.

My HOPE is sprung though because now we have an "idea" of what might of happened - it's like a puzzle piece....or several really. So worried about the other lady too. I want to meet her so bad....is that wrong???? 

How did Austin escape injury....it's miraculous.....[...]

So on Tuesday in the late afternoon I got sooooo so dizzy and developed such a strongggg headache I literally felt my brain throbbing on the top center I also became instantly nauseas at the same time and had to lay down and cover my eyes with my shawl just to keep out the light which felt like it was burning my eyes out....I also am so cold all the time...like literally freezing and its like my body can't decide to stay warm or cold but cold is the biggest factor....I wonder if this is because I was ejected in the cold winter air. I barely maded it to my hospital bed and practically fell onto the bed with this raging feeling like the room was super spinning and I was willing myself not to puke. I kept saying out loud..please donn't pule Caren please don't puke and buried my head into this neck pillow my family got me which calms me down sometimes when I am uncomfortable. 

That is the last thing I remember and woke up like 2 hours later. I wasn't even tired so I don't know if I was tired and didn't realize it or just passed out.....so odd....but I was very wobbly on my feet after that for the rest of the day 

I think my brain issues are becoming worse. I am fogetful of a lot of things and remember other things....this is very frustrating to me as its like I didn't exist for that part that I hear I was part of..

They never found my socks which I find very odd and both my tennis shoes were in the van.[...]

oh I am soooo tired.....so ready to sleep....but fighting the insomnia bug....will catch youu gys up on some important information tomorrow....a long journey ahead awaits....today was a roller coaster and I literally collapsed into sleep as my brain would literally take no more information....what a crazy amazing and informational day[...]

Ladder of Hope[...]

     Friday night we all were watching Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. It broke to a commercial about driving while texting.  We were all kinda visiting, and not paying too much attention.  When we looked up, a young woman, the driver who was texting, ran a stop sign. The crash was loud, horrific, catastrophic, and the car was mangled. The occupants, in context of the commercial, died.  Caren was traumatized.[...]

TO RICK: Who I later learned spent the first entire night with me EVERY night after work for about 6 entire weeks. I learned that he talked to the kids on the phone to keep in touch and stayed in vigilant touch with my mom - who would come up too after taking the kids to school for us. He may not agree with this, but I believe it was his presence and is voice that pulled me back through. I don't know how I know this - but I do. He never gave up on me and never has.

I don't believe he gets enough support and credit from his friends and family throughout this whole ordeal - and while this is not a negative thing - he deserves so much more - so much appreciation, love, and acknowledgement - especially from others besides me. 

A piece of him died with me that night in the wreck that would forever change our lives. He was called at work to come to the scene about 20 minutes after he arrived at work to pick up our Austin. When he arrived an Ambulance was leaving and he didn't know if it was me or the other woman. What he does remember is all the blood on the ground and the view of the entire scene and this little 6 year old child with a whole story to tell about what happened - this experience will haunt him forever. He rushed my son home so he could come be with me and he never lefft me.

I understand I was quite combative and in full panic in the hospital and didn't know where I was. I kept asking about Austin over and over, I filled the Trauma Bay with my guteral screams of pain, which he will also never forget. They were afraid to sedate me because of my collapsed lung. This became an ongoing discussion for about 10 days with the staff, but he never left me. He stayed and ironically, his voice close to my ear was the only thing that could calm me down or help me find some center of peace in the darkest storm of my life.

He deserves more than a thank you and yet he says my life was enough for him. My wreck was one day before his birthday - I had something amazing planned and I felt horrible that it was all ruined. You know what he told me "I got you Caren and that was the best birthday present ever". 

This man that some of you see as stoic,, sarcastic and who tries to hold his emotions in to be strong and brave for everyone else broke down in tears by me as he sat by my bedside. I remember the tears. I don't know how I remember them - perhaps that didn't even happen - but its in my memory. I remember his touch and him asking questions and fighting for my life as much as the staff was. I remember a man who I felt change with me. I am still trying to figure what that change is with him.

However none of that matters in the grand scope of things - the changes. What matters is he loved me enough to be there for me, through the toughest part of my survival all the way to the first day he wheeled me in a wheelchair to the front door to come home for the first time.

This blog should not just be about me......it should also be about him......because folks without him and his HOPE for me to survive - I would not be here. I know this as truth because I feel it inside me. Please when you see him or talk to him, or message him - hell go find him.....

Thank him for being BRAVE and never giving up HOPE. Thank him for believing in me and my potential like I always have in his. Thank him for advocating for life and love. He needs to hear it and feel it from you as much as he does from me. He is the calm in my storm and the strength in my soul. He deserves so much more!!!!! 

Let's not forget Rick in all this too as he is healing along with me.....his email[email protected] -he is BRAVE and the most amazing husband and father in the world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLudUaNpU3M[...]

     Spring is one of my favorite times of year.  Flowers are struggling toward the light, to share with us their glory.  This past Sunday the kids and I visited Meijer Gardens to see the butterflies.  How extraordinarily exquisite!
     Quite 'by accident' I recently received a copy of the July 02, 2013 Daily Word. "Among God's creatures, the butterfly is one of the most stunningly beautiful! Its gentle flight, colorful wings, and amazing migratory patterns are traits that make the butterfly a masterpiece of the natural world.   .  .  .  For instance, the majestic monarch butterfly can travel 3000 miles . . . by a brain the size of a pinhead.  Or consider the monarch's metamorphosis.  After the caterpillar builds a chrysalis around itself, it releases a chemical that turns its insides to mush -- no perceptible parts.  Somehow from this emerges the brain, internal parts, head, legs, and wings of a butterfly.   . . .  a miracle!"[...]