Rev. Dick Ammons told me Sunday that I am not the wreck and not to "own" the wreck as my own. That the van was wrecked and I was just a bystander in the event. The van was wrecked and totaled. I am not - I am repairable. 

Oh yeah, I went to Church Sunday for the first time in a long while because I heard he was speaking and I wanted to see if I could survive the outing. That and it was Mother's Day and I wanted that time with my mom. We didn't even take any kids.

I told him I don't remember the wreck, but feel completely wrecked as I stuttered across my thoughts and tried to think of how to speak what I was thinking.

He is a matter of fact guy who I love and respect a LOT. I heard him and his analogy and I am still processing that line of thinking. It's a deep concept for me and doesn't make sense and makes sense at the same time.[...]

Caren Robinson                          8:29 a.m.

I am in so much pain today I can hardly stand it This is ridculous. I feel like a shroud of pain is covering me and nothing can be done about it. I have all my therapies today too which will make the pain worse and mess up all the thinking in my head............which isn't friggen working the way I want it to anyway no matter how hard I practice.. My get up and go got up and went and I am really really trying to focus on other things.........but my focus is constantly off. 

I think my brain has been on overload for a while now....since January 4 really - the day of the wreck....and I try and try and still half my memories don't exist. They just aren't there. I feel lost in a time warp. All the doctors.they say get brain rest keep your stress down........go to sleep at regular times wake up at regular times. There is no friggen such thing as regular when you have an irregular bucket of issues always in your face and your body, life, and limitation in general seem to be holding you back....and here I am drowning in stress and financial castration and memory loss and word challenges - which were never a part of my life before the wreck.....I want to go back to work.......but even I know that is not possible yet. I abhor feeling so limited and trapped in this room and in this body and how that light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting smaller and smaller. 

I am tired of empty promises and empty follow through from these insurance companies and people that are supposed to be handling my case in a responsible and professional and timely manner - 30-45 days is all it is supposed to take for me to start receiving payment back for all the prescriptions we have been paying out of pocket for since March 20 when I came home.- so of course we are always broke now. Even my mom has been paying for my Prescriptions so she is pretty much financially hit as well.. It's not her job to cover our family or do that for me. I mean I appreciate the help, but not at the expense of her own finances and bills. Let's not even get into all the gas it is costing to 

I was told just be patient and your claim will be open and billable.....guess what..its been over 90 days ...............WTF. Do you realize I have Medical Insurance and cannot even touch it or use it because this is an "Autoclaim"????? and it's claiming my whole life and that of my family is what it is doing. I detest promises that are not followed through on.. I detest excuses instead of follow through. I feel like a hyporcrite trying to be positive with my kids and smile and tell them to have a great day when I feel like our whole world is falling apart.

Today I have my first pscyhology appointment since the wreck. You would have thought they would have had that going all along.....but nooooooooooooo...........apparently that would be expectiing too much efficiency. There is just so much - too many puzzle pieces that would have not been an issue for me to deal with BEFORE....and I am so tired of the comparisons inside myself and outside of myself about BEFORE BEFORE BEFORE....well guess what!!! that is NOT reality NOW. .I am really hoping MaryFreeBed is better at this whole organization thing and ready for the shitakestorm that is about to hit them today because my emotions are angry and confused and so overwhelmed with life in general today...and did I mention I was in pain too.

.unless this is some evil plot to make me feel motivated to get better faster so I don't have to deal with all the BS (okay that last line was my sad attempt at a joke to lighten all this seriousness - but I have never been good at the whole timing thing).

I have had enough pain but I realize I have to face more to get more out of my life - to have the life I want and need. I am tired of struggling to find my words and speak in general. It almost makes me want to be quiet and not ever speak again, but my brain and personality won't allow that to friggen happen either.,,,,,sorry to all you guys who wish that was something that could actually happen.

Don't worry, I'm not giving up I am just needing to say here what I can't seem to get to come together out of my mouth........and even if it did.......it wouldn't accomplish a thing.

I am using my coping stuff. I am holding on to hopeeven though today it feels more imaginary than tangible. Thursday.............just have to make it to Thursday and its a new day with new opportunities and new blessings with some small progress that I can be proud of.. I have to find the good in today and push past this pain and fear and overwhelming anxiety.

I have to because I accept nothing less from myself. How can I be a good person, a good wife, a good mother, a good human being if I am not able to apply what is at the core of me???? How do I even know what that is anymore???[...]

   Caren, "You've come a long way, baby!"   From first steps, to standing alone - You can do it!  Keep the faith, keep hopeful - you have the potential to 'walk on water.'  I heard this song this morning by Britt Nicole, and thought of you:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5gfCW1XunY[...]

(From: TBI Hope & Inspiration, Facebook)
I laughed so hard!  The 'favorite' foods I used to cook for Caren she no longer likes. Many food choices are different.  Now, here is a real conundrum: at this stage in the TBI Caren doesn't like to be given too many 'choices'; yet, since her tastes have changed and her likes are different, I have to ask her, or give her choices, so I know what to do.  Go figure, LOL[...]

Hi Caren,

It is strange how much your feelings mirror those of someone who has suffered a loss. When we first lose a loved one, there are cards, flowers, meals brought to the house, phone calls and visits. Later everyone returns to their normal lives and you still feel the pain of the loss and now feel more alone than ever. Your daily life has changed forever.

My friend tells the story of returning from services after the loss of her husband. Her mother was sitting looking out the front window and made a comment of "There is the school bus." My friend says she felt instant rage. "How dare they act like nothing had changed when her whole world had fallen apart. She had lost her best friend and life would never be the same." 

All of those around us are able to heal so much more quickly than we are and they return to their normal lives leaving us to feel even more alone and isolated. 

There is not a day that goes by without all of you remaining in my thoughts and prayers. I never miss an opportunity to read your thoughts and take them into my heart.

Once you are able to travel more freely, I would like to take you to Kalmazoo for a visit with Carl. Carl is my friend, my religious mentor and my doctor. He has given me a lot more than 12 1/2 years where the doctors only promised me 6 months. He understands how the mental anguish and the physical pain are linked to the emotional turmoil you have been through. I know he can not be a regular part of your life; but I want to give you a chance to meet him and gain some of his insight.

I understand that right now an hour drive (one direction) seems like a big mountain to climb. You will let me know when you are feady to face that challenge.[...]

The common theme at the TBI support group meeting is that they lost all their friends and some people even lost their family because of changes that have happened to them since thier injuries. 

I would be lying if I said I didn't see this already happening with us. I feel sad about it. I hate it so much.....but hate attracts such negative energy, so I try to HOPE every day that we will keep our friends...maybe even make new ones......that we won't be forgotten and that my family and Rick's family won't tire of what we will have to contniue to deal with daily without their help.

The common theme was also judgement from others becasue we look "normal". I am the same me, but in some ways better, and other ways just diffDifferent in ways I cannot put itno words because the words are puzzle pieces hidden under other puzzle pieces, and some people don't have time to wait for those pieces to get sorted out.

I feel sadness and depression for their losses and mourn the possibility of what will happen to us.....to me....what is happening.

My husband and mom and daughter said I had all these people visiting me at the hospital when I first went in. I remember none of those visits of who they have said. I remember some things, but most of those first few weeks I have no memory at all - or snapshot memories that drift in and out. I remember a lot of rehab especially with my notes I took. Some things I donn't foget....why does my brain work that way???

Since being home........are we already fogotten? *sighs*[...]

This week has been hard. I have had many times struggled to find the right words. They float like puzzle pieces in my head.

I went to my 1st Traumatic Brain Injury support group meeting this week. The best part about it was my husband being able to make it after work for the last half of it. It meant so much to me to have him there. I also learned that I am not crazy and that a lot of the symptoms I am having and I talked about having others had the same things...it was sad and relieving at the same time. Of course I cried again. I don't seem to be able to anticipate or control those tears.....so annoying. i won't be going to their activity - that is being held at a bowling alley of all places. Im not so sure how well thought out that was because the noise would be unbearably anxietyish...if that is even a word.

I started therapy too at MaryFreeBed Rehabilitation. This is not going to be easy, but I am prepared for the process and the work and the pain. I found the Speech therapy testing to be quite frustrating, confusing and a struggle overall that left me feeling depressed and with a throbbing headache. The Physical Therapy is going to be key in giving my legs freedom again if I can get my brain to cooperate with the balance part of things. I would like to get rid of the cane and the wheelchair. The Occupational Therapy is a little more tricky. My arm doesn't want to cooperate the way I desire or envision it working but I am committed to doing what needs done to accomplish what needs to be done so I can get as much use out of it as possible.

I miss hugging my kids and my husband with both arms. I miss sharing a bed with my husband. I miss being able to carry things with both arms. I miss work. I miss driving. I miss going for long walks. I miss going to the store. I miss leaving the house for anything that isn't medically appointment related due to all my challenges. I miss Grand Haven and the Pier. I miss friends coming over or going to their house. Some days I feel like a prisoner within my own body and mind. I miss doing things for myself and being independent. I miss baths in a bathtub. I miss not having to be monitored going up and down the stairs. I miss having no memories of the wreck and most of the days after that - at the first hospital. I miss feeling smart. I miss feeling accomplished and creative. I miss being on top of everything. I miss being able to think clearly and to bring up words that I can see but not voice. I miss being able to carry on a conversation without having to have someone repeat things over and over. I miss being able to pay bills and contribute something valuable to my family. I miss my life before the wreck. I miss feeling happy a lot of times. I miss feeling in general...too many challenges here to get into. I miss not being able to jump out of bed, get dressed, and go. This is a MUCH slower process. I miss not being able to focus. I miss TV and movies and so many other things. Aside from an occasional dream, I miss dreaming every night.

However, here is the battle. 

I am very grateful to be alive. I am grateful my son wasn't hurt like me physically. I gladly accept each injury in his place. I am grateful that I have a family to be home with. I am grateful for breathing each breath I take in every moment. I am grateful for continued therapy which I wouldn't have been able to afford without the laws we have in this State. I am grateful for new opportunities every day to learn new things. I am grateful that my right side and right arm is hurt and not my left side, since I am left handed. I am grateful that I am not paralyzed. I am grateful for the pain, which reminds me to take things slow and be patient with the process. I am grateful my mom kept my deceased father's wheelchair so we didn't have to get a new one just for me. I am grateful that my mom sacrifices her time and energy and health to help me during the day - every day - with no chance of compensation; and that my husband is my helper all night long as I continue to heal and then goes to work the next day for minimum wage which barely does anything but it is a job he loves - so we are both grateful for that. I am grateful for prayer warriors and supporters that I have never even met. I am grateful for online support groups who help me sometimes remember why its important to never give up. I am grateful for my "hope dream". I am grateful for not missing all the things I would have missed if I had died that day. I am grateful that I have been given a second chance at life. I am also grateful for copy and paste so I can take by breaks between typing posts like this. I am grateful for the people who have helped me get this far. I am grateful for my brain injury which has given me a challenge in many aspects of my life in dealing with others and myself in ways I never imagained I would have to deal with.

So this week I have been just wiped out in every way. There have been lots of changes, lots of mistakes, lots of forgetting and lots of new "bombshells" that keep surprising us on a regular basis. What to choose, how to choose, what to trust, who to trust, all battles within me and with those I come into contact with. Choices...each one important, each one necessary, each one confusing and cloaked with uncertainty.[...]

       As a caregiver, today I am sad and tired.  It feels like the kind of day to crawl into bed and pull the covers over your head.  Rick brought me home a bag of Lindt chocolate balls in appreciation for what I am doing as a caregiver.  Today is the day I feel like taking that bag of chocolate under the covers with me.  Tears feel seconds away.  Instead, I'll wash my face, go pick up the boys, and look for something fun for us to do - but only if it doesn't involve money  *sighs*  - hating being broke with no remuneration and nothing hopeful from the insurance company.  Today I'll have to keep reading encouraging and inspiring words - or maybe lie down and take a nap.[...]

Maybe, it's just different: who I was, and who I am now.[...]