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Michelle Kendall - Journal

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Posted 2016-12-11T00:48:00Z

crash and burn landing back at home......

It is almost three months since we returned to Santa Barbara.  Coming "home" has felt like a step back.  I knew I was being hopeful when I thought I could just leave Porlock buried in Oxford.  That goal of keeping my mind positive and free from cancer thoughts has been harder than I imagined.   My emotions swing like a giant wrecking ball from depression to disbelief and back again.  When I am feeling emotionally stable and happy, my brain thinks: this can't possibly be happening.  When I feel the full force of my disease, my brain descends into despondency.  I have yet to know how to be content in the same moment that I am with my diagnosis.  It makes me feel bipolar: how can these two realities coexist?  I'm working on it.  I have started going to counseling at the Cancer Center and Hospice.  Part of my homework is to write down my negative thoughts and learn to replace them with positive thoughts.  I have also been attending the "young survivors support group," nutritional counseling, yoga classes, and Reki, and will start a neuropathy program in January.  It feels like I am at the CC every day,  I hate that this is my reality.  But for now it is helpful, and the support is great, so I go.  [...]